For those of you who observe Passover...
For those of you who don't have the patience
to sit thru' a full Seder:
The Two-Minute Haggadah - A Passover Service
for the Impatient.
Opening prayers :
Thanks, God, for
creating wine. (Drink wine.)
Thanks for creating produce. (Eat
parsley.)
Overview:
Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we're
free. That's why we're doing this.
Four questions:
1. What's up
with the matzoh?
2. What's the deal with horseradish?
3. What's
with the dipping of the herbs?
4. What's this whole slouching at the
table business?
Answers:
1. When we left Egypt, we were in a
hurry. There was no time for making
decent bread.
2. Life was bitter,
like horseradish.
3. It's called symbolism.
4. Free people get to
slouch.
A funny story:
Once, these five rabbis talked all night,
then it was morning. (Heat soup
now.)
The four kinds of children
and how to deal with them:
Wise child - explain Passover.
Simple
child - explain Passover slowly.
Silent child - explain Passover
loudly.
Wicked child - brow beat in front of the
relatives.
Speaking of children:
We hid some matzoh. Whoever
finds it gets five bucks
The story of Passover:
It's a long time
ago. We're slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh is a nightmare. We
cry out for help. God
brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake
some matzoh. God parts the
Red Sea. We make it through. The Egyptians
aren't so lucky. We wander 40
years in the desert, eat manna, get the
Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new
temple, enjoy several years without
being persecuted again. (Let brisket cool
now.)
The 10 Plagues:
Blood, Frogs, Lice-you name
it.
The singing of "Dayenu":
If God had gotten us out of Egypt
and not punished our enemies, it
would've been enough. If He'd punished our
enemies and not parted the Red
Sea, it would've been enough. If He'd parted
the Red Sea (remove gefilte
fish from refrigerator now.) etc.
Eat
matzoh. Drink more wine. Slouch.
Thanks again, God, for
everything.
SERVE MEAL
Say Grace. Drink more wine. Sing some
more songs. Try to stay awake. Who
knows one? Who knows two through thirteen?
Dad bought a goat for two
zuzim. Everyone beats up every one until God steps
in.
Go to sleep.
Do it again another night.
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